20150501 - Round Two. Fight!
2015-04-30 - Enjoy the silence
The Blackhawks train gets rolling again tomorrow. Relax with the first couple Round 2 games and news about our new saviors of the future from Europe.
Jonathan Toews turns 27 today. He has two Stanley Cups, two Olympic gold medals, a Conn Smythe, a Selke and 500 points. #Slacker
— Mark Lazerus (@MarkLazerus) April 29, 2015Happy birthday Captain Serious!
Have some Captain Sensible.
Forward…March…April…May…June
The #1 strength of the 2015 Blackhawks is forward depth. To have, at this time in the season, 13-15 reasonably healthy and competent forwards is an incredible asset. No Hawk teams in recent years can touch this team’s forward depth, isn’t that right Adam Burish, Ben Eager, Brandon Bollig, and Jeremy Morin?
The Hawks top-end forwards stack up against anyone. Toews, Kane, Hossa, Sharp, Saad speak for themselves. Throw in former Conn Smythe Winner Brad Richards, a guy who looks like he’s settling in at the perfect time and being a ‘playah’, and… no one else got dat.
2015-04-28 - Boredom
What do you mean, there’s no hockey on tonight? This aggression will not stand, man!
Well, we can add and read links anyway.
20150427 - If you can hold on hold on
We have a few days of waiting here. There might be a few games betwixt now and then, but mostly it’ll be dead air from the hockey sphere. Why should be putting out the next preview shortly. Meanwhile, everyone knows about providing links, so let’s do it.
04/26/2015 - A bit of calm
Time to enjoy some quiet days and watch some games without quite so much clenching.
2015●04●25: Here We are Again Bro… Just You and Me. Same Kind of Moon, Same Kind of Jungle: Blackhawks vs Hillbilly Pee Dragons. GO HAWKS!!!The Minutiae & MundaneTime: 7:00 PMTV: NBC, SN, TVA2Radio: WGN 720 Amplitude ModulationBH Buzz-zzzzzzzzz!The Press Kit: So many pages…He says yes, they say noAll he does to me is talk talkCall them mellow yellowPotent PotablesHis rhythm is gonna get you (video)Lines, lines, everywhere lines (video)Penalty killer, qu'est-ce que c'est?Drop off the key, Steve, and get yourself free (warning: autoplay)He’s a fast machine but is his motor clean?Life’s being good to him so farHe hit a man in Calgary, just to watch him dieThese kids are alright
4/25/2015 - A wee bit Closer
Special bonus gumball for the first person to figure out the link between
the song and tonight’s game. You’ll probably have to listen to the songclosely if you don’t already know it.
I’m pulling a Q
I want to try an experiment with the Daily Links. You know…mix things up a bit in an industrial-strength blender until all that remains is an illogical puree of ineffectiveness. Posting links may seem easy, and it mostly is, but the chore gets a bit dreary after a while. How Neo did it every day for a few months is beyond me. On the other hand, we all share links in the comments section every day, so a group effort is kind of natural progression for us. I think I’ve found a way for everyone to help out and link the things they find interesting.
2015●04●23: Come on in, you fuckers. Come on in. Ol’ Painless is waitin’. Blackhawks vs Nashville Pee Barons. GO HAWKS!!!
The Minutiae & Mundane
- Time: 8:30 PM
- TV: CSN-CH+, NBCSN, SN360, TVA3
- Radio: WGN 720 Amplitude Modulation
- BH Buzz-zzzzzzzzz!
- The Press Kit: So many pages…
- Even though he hates winning, let’s take this one, okay?
- I like you, Lavy, but I don’t want to see you again until next season
- Check-On! Apply directly to the forecheck!
2015●04●21: There’s Something out there Waiting for Us, and it Ain’t no mmD or Greg Boysen Ponycorn, We’re all Gonna Die: Get To The Choppa. Blackhawks vs. Lizard- Face Fucks. GO HAWKS!!!The Church - Reptile by soulpatrolThe Minutiae & MundaneTime: 8:30 PMTV: CSN-CH, NBCSN, SN, TVA3Radio: WGN 720 Amplitude ModulationBH Buzz-zzzzzzzzz!The Press Kit: So many pages…Q’s WordsI hate their web siteIt’s not what happens in the neutral zonePotent PotablesBecause Hossa wills itDoes he still suck or…?ClementineThe hard wayThat’s hockey, babyHow does it feel to be back? (warning: autoplay)More numbers for youYou know he’s dying inside
Not sure who is harassing Ali Lawrence.. but whoever you are, fucking quit.
You are not proving any point, other than identifying yourself as an arse of the highest order. So stop.
How does Roszival’s ice time correlate with the Blackhawks’ results?
Several times in recent weeks I’ve heard or read someone assert that the Blackhawks’ chances of winning this season diminish when Mikhal Roszival plays and/or when he plays a lot of minutes. Thought I’d take a quick pass through the season’s game by game results and see whether that eye test checks out factually.
2015●04●19: Six of Us in The Meat Grinder: What Happened to you Crow? You Used to be Somebody I could Trust. Blackhawks vs U-G-L-Y Mothfuckers. GO HAWKS!!!The Minutiae & MundaneTime: 2:00 PMTV: NBC, TVA2, RSNRadio: WGN 720 Amplitude ModulationBH Buzz-zzzzzzzzz!The Press Kit: So many pages…Too bad he’s going to get fired.Their site is weird and I don’t know if they’ll put up a Lavy videoInsert urine joke herePotent PotablesAid for tornado reliefLess head-bashing into the boards anywayNot quite a Jedi yetRelease the Vermy!Kosher (video)Clearly it was the beginning of the endLear pontificatesFluff from Game 1
2015●04●17: Hey Billy. Billy! The other day, I went up to my girlfriend, I said, ‘Y’know I’d like a little pussy.’ She said, ‘Me too, mine’s as big as Shea Weber: Shit Happens. Blackhawks vs Wiktor Wiktor Wiktor. GO HAWKS!!!The Minutiae & MundaneTime: 8:30 PMTV: NBCSN, CSN-CH, SN360, TVA3Radio: WGN 720 Amplitude ModulationBH Buzz-zzzzzzzzz!The Press Kit: So many pages…He’s just going to ruin it allbouncing back the only way they know howthey exist, damnit!Potent PotablesLear leersKane konversesRichards rapsJudd & Troy jaw and talkin the citythey’re committed (for now)how great would their dashed hopes look?
2015●04●17
Didn’t I say it would be a cockfight? Wood ho mothfuckers!
Words
- Preview (autoplay of Q being awesome)
- Now you can look into getting that nose straightened out
- Chris Neil everybody. He’ll be here all week. Tip your waitresses.
- Know your history
- The Draft Lottery for Dummies
- Know your enemy
- Kane is like cocaine. Or is cocaine? Or does cocaine? I’m confused
- Draft lottery odds; or, how the Sabres try to regain credibility
A Janitor’s Caretaker’s Host Family’s Guide to HockiesIt has recently come to my attention that we have become an insular community that rarely does anything for people outside of the regular visitors. As we all know, if you don’t do something to change things, you’re part of the problem. Even worse, conversations about the Blackhawks with other Blackhawks’ fans can tend to become circular.My goal here is to provide a game preview for Predators fans. I feel it is the least I can do since Nashville has been kind enough to provide Chicago with a second arena that they can play home games in during the regular season.One of my formative experiences as a sports fan was watching some Toronto Raptors games during their expansion season. Because our announcers figured we were new to basketball and stupid, we were provided with homerific announcers that constantly yelled about nothing particularly important and stressed how good our team was. The Raptors finished 21-61.Let’s face it, when people think that you don’t understand the product, they’re going to try and make the thing they’re selling sound better than it actually is. I don’t want that to happen to you and think I can improve my writing by attempting to reach a new audience. Also, one of the regulars here is getting sick of me explaining stuff to him and I thought I could save us all a lot of trouble by explaining stuff to you!It’s tough to get a handle on your fan base. After reading recent articles from the Tennessean, I’ve realized that many of you lack even a basic understanding of ice hockey" and colours.*“Oh christ.”Still, others of you appear to be hipsters that just want to follow a sport that isn’t popular, likely to prove some very important about independence and not succumbing to stereotypes.** Other categories appear to include people that can’t distinguish between the numbers 16 and 42.***We can help! While your franchise appears to have gotten used to the area and taken the college football approach to playoff series (play one or two, then you’re done), there’s a fun trophy that hockey gives out every year well after the Nashville Predators are eliminated. It’s called the Stanley Cup! And Chicago sometimes gets to win that. It’s really cool and you can see it if you ever plan a visit to Toronto!****You managed to get a stand-out player from the 2013 World Juniors. Filip Forsberg! He looks really good for such a young player! You guys should be really proud! He is currently your leading scorer and arguably your best forward. We got the standout guy that actually won that tournament. He plays on our fourth line and we’re still not quite sure what to do with him. But still, Filip Forsberg! I’m sure he’s just as good as our guys!*****You also managed to pry Mike Ribeiro out of…Well it looks like his other options were retirement or the AHL. By Nashville’s standards, this was a free agent bonanza. For those of you that are new to hockey, the current greatest moment in Nashville Predators history was the time your best player tried to leave and was foiled by the Collective Bargaining Agreement. Ribeiro’s changed the perception of your team. Before, Nashville was the place you went to play hockey if league rules forced you to. Now, it’s clear that people also might play there if they are trying to take advantage playing in the anonymity of a market that apparently derived their understanding of the colour gold from the term “Golden Shower” while overcoming potentially scurrilous rumours about excessive drug use and simultaneously attempting to save their marriage. Way to diversify, Nashville!******What I’m not going to tell you is that I think you might have already blown it. The Blackhawk’s players aren’t going to admit that. They’ve still got to prepare to play a good hockey team or they’re going to get beat. You’ve got a solid goaltender and a pretty good defensive core. You’re a good little team getting your first crack in the playoffs with this group of guys. You took advantage of an uncharacteristically bad period from Corey Crawford. You got a returning Patrick Kane who was making mistakes stickhandling. You were up three after one! All you had to do was hold on for two periods. 40 minutes! Best defence in the league! Pekka Rinne!You lasted 13:50 and the home ice you spent a year fighting for is gone. Best of luck, fellow hockey fans!*To again recap, a paper with a much greater understanding of your fan base than I have felt it was necessary to draw your attention to the fact that the big red line is known as the “Red Line” and the big blue line is known as the “Blue Line”. I’ve just started and I’m feeling like this article is beyond my capabilities.**We have soccer fans up here! It’s cool, I know how to deal with you.***They’re both numbers higher than 10. Given the rest of the information I gathered for that paragraph, I’m just proud of you for trying! If you see bizarrohairhelmet in the comments, ask him for your participation trophy. You deserve one!****Please go to the Hockey Hall of Fame and not to the Air Canada Centre. I don’t want to get into it but you’re just going to have trust me.*****This isn’t actually a reasonable discussion right now. I’m trying my best.******For comparison’s sake, the Blackhawk’s recent success has turned the Blackhawks blogosphere into a place where there will be random rumours of excessive drug use and ice girl fucking. These rumours are never verified but the “ice girl fucker” guy watched Modern Family and he’s pretty sure it checks out. We generally remain unconvinced or unconcerned here.
Here Come The HawksAfter the agonizingly long waiting period that is the second half of an NHL season for an elite, veteran team that takes care of business early in the year, the Chicago Blackhawks embarked on their seventh consecutive post-season march last night.It’s been a good run. Heading into last night, the Quenneville-era Hawks were 57-37 in post-season play, winning 12 of 16 series, reaching the WCF four times, and, of course, winning two Stanley Cups.And once again, the team appears to have navigated the rigors and vagaries of a grueling NHL season – a long march of attrition – in good shape. The return of Patrick Kane means the Hawks could shelve late-season acquisitions Antoine Vermette and Andrew Desjardin for the nonce. The Hawks top-12 forwards may or may not be as good as their 2010 counterparts, but the top-14 are definitely better. And Friggin’ Q has made it clear that a few spots at the bottom are open for the taking.On defense, the loss of early-season sensation Trevor Van Riemsdyk is a blow, but not a fatal one. Keith, Seabrook, and Hjamarsson are not worn out or run down, and Johnny Oduya spent some time at a spa rubbing cream on and has come back with more of the old bounce. Best top-4 in the league.Meanwhile, a combination of Roszival, Timmonen, duct tape, baling wire and chewing gum passes for a third pairing. Or, more likely, as we saw last night, these guys are sprinkled around at times.They’re gonna get beat some times, but they’re largely known quantities, and definitely less of a reach than Jordan Hendry, Nick Boynton, or David Rundblad (although, I could see Rundblad rotating in for a home game here and there for 12 minutes of sheltered ice time.)But yeah, if there is a weakness on the team, there it is.Because the goaltending has been rock solid, with Corey Crawford leading the way for the Hawks second Jennings Trophy in three years (with help from Raanta and Darling), and Crawford posting the best full season of his career, saving some of his finest work for the stretch run when the offense faltered.Seven straight years- 539 regular season games. Grind upon grind. 2014-2015 was a workmanlike classic, the Hawks picking up 102 points in a mind-boggingly difficult division, while Blackhawk Nation, beginning in January, provided the background melody in the form of a cacophony of childish caterwauling. Welp. Block it out. Move on. Drop the puck.About Last NightI was so fired up. Jittery, like I’d slurped a pot of coffee, you know? Why weren’t the Hawks? They were…lethargic?…tentative?… Something. Anyway, they found themselves in danger of being run right out of the building. Offensive pressure was nonexistent, the Hawks mustering a scant 6 shots in the period. The Preds controlled the play and deserved the lead, but Crawford wasn’t helping, and the period ended 3-0. Appalling. Fans lighting hair on fire, I’m sure.In comes Scott Darling. He of 13 NHL games, entrusted with the keys to DynastyQuest. OK. Gutsy, I thought.The Hawks scored three times in the period (none 5-on-5). Teuvo to Hammer was a beaut (badass.goal.celebration.), then Toews to Kane to Sharp for some 2008 redux shit during a 5-on-3. Then, Toews walks the line himself on a power play, and, in the confusion caused by Andrew Shaw getting shoved out of the way from behind, Cap’n – cocky mothfucker that he is – stuffs it past Rinne and celebrates bad-assedly (for pictures see: the Internet.) Game tied.Darling faced only 4 shots in the period, but he was under assault in the third, as the Preds (apparently they’re a playoff team, 100+ points, pretty good) were denied on several (say it Eddie) GRADE A SCORING CHANCES. You saw the game. You know what I’m talking about.On to overtime. Now, my jitteriness, if you could bottle it, you could power 100 “1000 fingers” machines in hotels 30 years ago. A lot of jittery.And a lot of crazy back-and-forth shit. Great stuff. The red meat of hockey fandom. Fast-paced, up and down, everything could end in triumph or heartbreak at any time. As a sports fan, there is nothing like it.No one scored. But I was exhausted and needed a cigarette anyway. Weird.On to double OT. Fucking Duncan Keith. Yeah. Darling saves 42 of 42. Ridiculous.Crawford starts for Game 2. Wood mothfucking ho!
-cliffkoroll
2015●04●15: El Calzador Trofeo De Los Hombres: Conspiracy Theory.
Blackhawks vs Pekka Jarnkrok Experience. GO HAWKS!!!
***DOUBLE OT
VERSION***
The Minutiae &
Mundane
- Time: 7:30 PM
- TV: NBCSN, CSN-CH,
SN360, TVA3 - Radio: WGN 720 Amplitude Modulation
- BH Buzz-zzzzzzzzz!
- The Press Kit: So many pages…
- He’s just going to ruin it
all - It’s hard to like you this time of
year - May need Visine
2015●04●15: El Calzador Trofeo De Los Hombres: Conspiracy Theory. Blackhawks vs Pekka Jarnkrok Experience. GO HAWKS!!!The Minutiae & MundaneTime: 7:30 PMTV: NBCSN, CSN-CH, SN360, TVA3Radio: WGN 720 Amplitude ModulationBH Buzz-zzzzzzzzz!The Press Kit: So many pages…He’s just going to ruin it allIt’s hard to like you this time of yearMay need VisinePotent PotablesThe Hammer speaks (video)If Q doesn’t ruin it, Stan will (video)Old guys want a shiny thing (warning: autoplay)Stalberged!Sweet 16 (warning: autoplay)Down go everyone but the Hawks, we hopeThat title is total clickbait
April 13, 2015
2015●04●13
Good morning you assholes. Wednesday is
the day. Wood ho! Fuck you Perds!
Words
And so it begins…It’ll be an exciting time and there will be some great ups, downs, backs, forths, ins, outs, fuckups, fuckyeahs and maybe even a VerSTEEG! or 2. We know how this ends, though. The Predators take a log to the face and the Schwarz team wins.
While we wait the next 3 days out, I’ve created:
2015●04●11: Urban Dictionary: WAH! A subtle cry from a small human. Can often result from bad news or disappointment: Blackhawks vs Urban Dictionary: When a really fat man is getting a blow job, he holds up his fat gut, then drops it on her head and yells… "AVALANCHE"The Minutiae & MundaneTime: 8:00 PMTV: WGN, TVA2Radio: WGN 720 Amplitude ModulationBH Buzz-zzzzzzzzz!The Press Kit: So many pages…Video!Terrible beard!Hypoxia!Potent PotablesHoly crap, look at that adam’s appleReady to ride pinePaliotta and Darling sounds like an 80s detective show (warning: autoplay)Don’t worry, be happy!The Last Picture ShowSay what now? (warning: autoplay)The McDavid ContestBooooooo!
2015●04●09: Venezuela, in Texas, Kansas It’s falling fast Peru too It keeps coming, it keeps coming, it keeps coming: Thin Fucking Ice, My Pedigree Chums. Blackhawks vs Ted Drewes Frozen Fucksticks. GO HAWKS!!The Minutiae & MundaneTime: 7:00 PMTV: NBCSN, CSN-CHRadio: WGN 720 Amplitude ModulationBH Buzz-zzzzzzzzz!The Press Kit: So many pages…He loves to winThey love to eat garbageThey love garbage-eatersPotent PotablesThe blackest of beardsClenching over potential clinchingOduya automatically disqualifiedHey look, more Swedish defensemen!Slackers!Who’s in, who’s out, who’s pushingMore pushing!How about yes, regardless of what happened
2015●04●07: There Will Be Blerg: Eli Dubnyk Doppelgang-bang. Blackhawks vs Bastards In A Basket. GO HAWKS!!The Minutiae & MundaneTime: 7:30 PMTV: CSN-CH, NBCSNRadio: WGN 720 Amplitude ModulationBH Buzz-zzzzzzzzz!The Press Kit: So many pages…It’s Q!MTV Rocks!It’s goalie-chanting nimrods!Potent PotablesHe’s already learned his cliches wellSqueeee! It’s him!!FFF surprised by hotness of VermetteTry saying “Nino Niederreiter” ten times quicklyRoenick’s neck is gradually disappearing, also update on some player or other (warning: autoplay)No! Don’t go toward the light!The proof is in the Vine
2015●04●07
So….Thunderdome. Yay.
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Words
April 6, 2015
2015●04●06
Something to get the toes tapping thismorning. I fucking hate Mondays sometimes.
Words
2015●04●05: Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You Lose, Goodtime Charlie’s
Got The Syphilitic Cousin-Crab Cock-Fungus Prolapsed Fuckhole Of A Team.
Blackhawks vs Lords of the Flies. GO HAWKS!!
The Minutiae &
Mundane
- Time: 6:30 PM
- TV:
NBCSN - Radio: WGN 720 Amplitude Modulation
- BH Buzz-zzzzzzzzz!
- The Press Kit: So many pages…
- Lear
leers - Allen
in net, Provel in shorts - They make a sandwich out of
WHAT??
2015●04●03: Buffalo,Buffalo,Buffalo,Buffalo,Buffalo…Buffalo,Buffalo…What Can I Say? Hmmm…Buffalo. Blackhawks vs. Buffalo Sabres…Wait, there you go, they spell “Sabres” the Canadian way. Speed Says Conor McDavid, so…Ok. GO HAWKS!!The Minutiae & MundaneTime: 6:00 PMTV: CSN-CH, MSG-BRadio: WGN 720 Amplitude ModulationBH Buzz-zzzzzzzzz!The Press Kit: So many pages…Not a lot to talk about because of the back-to-back so here’s the injury reportWhat Ted said (video)These poor guysPotent PotablesMmmmm, college boys (video)Another actual nice videoAnother opportunity to highlight 17-seconds’s artistic talentSee, I’m a chicken hawk and you’re a chicken!Stop! Emma time!Can’t really argue with Edzo on this (or Haugh either) (video)
2015●04●02: WILL-YOU-AGREE-WITH-MY-REQUEST?! Or Will This Obsession With My Posts About Buff and Bolly and Kaner’s Hat Trick Continue? YES-OR-NO?! Blackhawks vs Mammal-Fish-Lumberjack Dragon-Slaying Pyromaniac Anarchists.GO HAWKS!!The Minutiae & MundaneTime: 7:30 PMTV: CSN-CH, RSNPRadio: WGN 720 Amplitude ModulationBH Buzz-zzzzzzzzz!The Press Kit: So many pages…The words of QDo we care what they say?They put the “uck” is “nucks”!Potent PotablesDid we win the trade deadline?This article is sponsored by Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2Remembering Tim SassoneMore bloopers! “Singing” and “dancing”!Playoffs?!Focus on cliches
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