Nothing to See Here

A Janitor’s Caretaker’s Host Family’s Guide to HockiesIt has recently come to my attention that we have become an insular community that rarely does anything for people outside of the regular visitors. As we all know, if you don’t do something to change things, you’re part of the problem. Even worse, conversations about the Blackhawks with other Blackhawks’ fans can tend to become circular.My goal here is to provide a game preview for Predators fans. I feel it is the least I can do since Nashville has been kind enough to provide Chicago with a second arena that they can play home games in during the regular season.One of my formative experiences as a sports fan was watching some Toronto Raptors games during their expansion season. Because our announcers figured we were new to basketball and stupid, we were provided with homerific announcers that constantly yelled about nothing particularly important and stressed how good our team was. The Raptors finished 21-61.Let’s face it, when people think that you don’t understand the product, they’re going to try and make the thing they’re selling sound better than it actually is. I don’t want that to happen to you and think I can improve my writing by attempting to reach a new audience. Also, one of the regulars here is getting sick of me explaining stuff to him and I thought I could save us all a lot of trouble by explaining stuff to you!It’s tough to get a handle on your fan base. After reading recent articles from the Tennessean, I’ve realized that many of you lack even a basic understanding of ice hockey" and colours.*“Oh christ.”Still, others of you appear to be hipsters that just want to follow a sport that isn’t popular, likely to prove some very important about independence and not succumbing to stereotypes.** Other categories appear to include people that can’t distinguish between the numbers 16 and 42.***We can help! While your franchise appears to have gotten used to the area and taken the college football approach to playoff series (play one or two, then you’re done), there’s a fun trophy that hockey gives out every year well after the Nashville Predators are eliminated. It’s called the Stanley Cup! And Chicago sometimes gets to win that. It’s really cool and you can see it if you ever plan a visit to Toronto!****You managed to get a stand-out player from the 2013 World Juniors. Filip Forsberg! He looks really good for such a young player! You guys should be really proud! He is currently your leading scorer and arguably your best forward. We got the standout guy that actually won that tournament. He plays on our fourth line and we’re still not quite sure what to do with him. But still, Filip Forsberg! I’m sure he’s just as good as our guys!*****You also managed to pry Mike Ribeiro out of…Well it looks like his other options were retirement or the AHL. By Nashville’s standards, this was a free agent bonanza. For those of you that are new to hockey, the current greatest moment in Nashville Predators history was the time your best player tried to leave and was foiled by the Collective Bargaining Agreement. Ribeiro’s changed the perception of your team. Before, Nashville was the place you went to play hockey if league rules forced you to. Now, it’s clear that people also might play there if they are trying to take advantage playing in the anonymity of a market that apparently derived their understanding of the colour gold from the term “Golden Shower” while overcoming potentially scurrilous rumours about excessive drug use and simultaneously attempting to save their marriage. Way to diversify, Nashville!******What I’m not going to tell you is that I think you might have already blown it. The Blackhawk’s players aren’t going to admit that. They’ve still got to prepare to play a good hockey team or they’re going to get beat. You’ve got a solid goaltender and a pretty good defensive core. You’re a good little team getting your first crack in the playoffs with this group of guys. You took advantage of an uncharacteristically bad period from Corey Crawford. You got a returning Patrick Kane who was making mistakes stickhandling. You were up three after one! All you had to do was hold on for two periods. 40 minutes! Best defence in the league! Pekka Rinne!You lasted 13:50 and the home ice you spent a year fighting for is gone. Best of luck, fellow hockey fans!*To again recap, a paper with a much greater understanding of your fan base than I have felt it was necessary to draw your attention to the fact that the big red line is known as the “Red Line” and the big blue line is known as the “Blue Line”. I’ve just started and I’m feeling like this article is beyond my capabilities.**We have soccer fans up here! It’s cool, I know how to deal with you.***They’re both numbers higher than 10. Given the rest of the information I gathered for that paragraph, I’m just proud of you for trying! If you see bizarrohairhelmet in the comments, ask him for your participation trophy. You deserve one!****Please go to the Hockey Hall of Fame and not to the Air Canada Centre. I don’t want to get into it but you’re just going to have trust me.*****This isn’t actually a reasonable discussion right now. I’m trying my best.******For comparison’s sake, the Blackhawk’s recent success has turned the Blackhawks blogosphere into a place where there will be random rumours of excessive drug use and ice girl fucking. These rumours are never verified but the “ice girl fucker” guy watched Modern Family and he’s pretty sure it checks out. We generally remain unconvinced or unconcerned here.






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